I Saw You Dancing

Savouring my Saturday

2012-02-11T16:25:00.003+11:00

Things I have savoured over the past week include:

1. Going vintage shopping with my bff and discovering not one, not two, but three vintage aprons! I have since been wearing them with skirts and dresses and boots and am loving them silly.

2. Diving in to Brave Intuitive You, and loving every marvellous messy moment. I even set up a flickr account -- finally -- so I could really make the most of all this gorgeous community has to offer.

3. My daughter announcing on Wednesday that she wanted to wear underpants rather than nappies, and her amazing efforts at anticipating when she needed to go to the toilet. So very proud of her, despite me feeling grossly underprepared for this eventuality!

4. A successful shopping expedition to stock up on a zillion pairs of underpants (and spare pairs of leggings). Oh, and a few extra paints and paintbrushes for a certain someone else!

5. The "jet setter" aromatic mist from Perfect Potion. Heavenly!

6. Going swimming on Friday, despite my sister being away on leave. I was sooo tempted to go shopping instead! And those last ten laps somehow felt harder without her there. So I was extra proud of myself for showing up.

7. Two seasoned conflict avoiders sitting and asking tentative questions. And being brave enough to sit and hear the answers.

8. The first signs of Autumn in our neighbourhood.

9. Family pizza at our favourite local.

10. Finally sending out my first commissioned piece of artwork to its destination. And having it loving received (more on this next week!). Noticing a distinct feeling of pride in among the relief at having finished, and hesitation to let it go. Funny how that happens...

Be sure to check out more delicious moments of gratitude (the best food for the soul), graciously hosted by Maxabella.

Feet on the ground, peering into that pocket

2012-02-10T17:57:00.002+11:00

Longtime readers of this blog may have noticed a certain energy in my writing over the past month or so. Certainly a few friends who know me through this space have commented on it. You seem to be in a good space. I was.

I am.

There’s this thing that I do in response to strong and uncomfortable emotions. I keep busy. Extremely busy. Maniacally busy. Tidying. Artmaking. Organising.

In this case, it was the fallout from Christmas, and a long stretch of rather hot weather that had me a bothered and restless.

It had me enthusiastically finishing art projects that had been languishing for months. Signing up for new ones. Declaring intentions to develop new skills. Visualising and manifesting. Tidying, clearing, acquiring. Setting deadlines, feasible and artificial. Rarely taking a moment to sit down.

A bit on the exhausting side, for sure. But nothing inherently bad. And certainly a deliciously rewarding productive time.

Not exactly sustainable.

And also, if I am going to be honest: avoiding.

It's a curious thing: avoidance through doing things that make me feel good, rather than the traditional formula of avoidance through doing things that make me feel bad (e.g. numbing out with food or alcohol).

I also found there was a lot of validation for what I was doing, on one level at least. I mean, one doesn't have to look very far to find exhortations and encouragements for women to carve out time for their creative pursuits... though, that said, they rarely advocate avoiding things that are important!

Yet here I was, avoiding. Avoiding sitting down. Sitting with my family. Sitting with my feelings. Sitting and peering into that little pocket of sadness I’d been assiduously ignoring.

And, of course, when I visited my therapist on Monday after a break for a few weeks, that’s exactly what she invited me to do.

It’s fair to say that the sheen has rubbed off my lively little life since then.

And those closest to me noticed and were a little put out (apt to blame the therapist: you were doing really well until you went to see her). And I have to confess, I was a little annoyed: it felt so good, while it lasted! Like a sugar rush. A crazy sweet life.

But this space where I am now, it’s actually not so bad.

I still feel good. Grounded. This energy feels more natural, more real, more sustainable. I’ve been making a real effort to sit, every day for even just a few moments, with courage and openness and curiosity with that thing I’d been avoiding. Some days it’s easy. Others it feels I’m trying to tango with a cheese grater. Mostly, it feels rewarding. It feels right.

But that’s life, isn’t it?

Just begin: a lesson in blooming

2012-02-09T16:00:00.001+11:00

I think Brave Intuitive You is a fantastic concept for an e-course, especially one to do with painting. I usually use paint on my collages but have to confess that is the stage that always intimidates me. Once I have composed a layer of paper and ephemera that I am happy with, I'll often leave the canvas for weeks (sometimes months) while working up the bravery to incorporate a layer or paint or two.

I suspect it has something to do with not being really sure what I'm doing i.e. succumbing to the voices that tell me that I don't know how to paint "properly", that I don't even know how to use paints "properly", that the way I'm working with them is "wrong". I suspect it is no coincidence that this is where the ugly phase of the artwork kicks in and this can often see me leave the canvas for another week (or month) until I work up the courage to push through.

I can see how bravery and intuition are key to pushing past this fear.

But that still didn't stop me dragging my feet when it came to diving in to the curriculum of this course, which started on Monday.

I didn't have the "right" paints. I didn't have time. It was going to be messy. I was tired.

All of these excuses had some kernel of truth. I didn't own any fluid acrylics, which were required for the first exercise. I hadn't managed to carve out time to go to the art shop and buy some. It had been a busy and somewhat emotional week.

But.

I did have some heavy-bodied acrylics and also some clear painting medium. Perhaps I could have a go at diluting the paints to make them a little runnier? And it suddenly occurred to me that those plastic champagne glasses left over from a party (three million new years eves ago) would make pretty nifty paint mixing and sploshing receptacles. And I had purchased a tarpaulin especially for this course, so I could protect the floor of my study/studio. And I suddenly had a quiet hour or so.

I drew a card from a bowl of invitations cut from Keri Smith's Live Out Loud: my go-to resource when I'm feeling stuck, uninspired or afraid. I closed my eyes and whispered, "I give myself permission to..."

And the card I drew was: BEGIN.

So I did.

It wasn't perfect. Unexpected things did happen. It was rather messy. It was surprisingly sensuous.

And it was a helluva lot of fun.

Begin. I get it.

Be sure to check out more glorious beginnings at Our Creative Spaces!

Worthiness Wednesday #45 The gift of receiving

2012-02-08T07:00:00.000+11:00

As part of the visioning workshop I attended a couple of weeks ago, we were asked to bring a gift to exchange. The instructions were as follows:

Please bring along a small item that has meaning for you (it could be a mix CD, a special stone or other natural object, a poem written down, a charm, etc). You do not need to buy something especially for this, nor does it need to be an expensive item. Look around your home and find something that you love, but that you are also able to part with. During our closing ceremony each participant will have the opportunity to participate in giving and receiving a gift to take away.

I found a journal that I wanted to give, one of a set of three that I had ordered. I loved the quality of the paper, the imagery on the front, and the nifty purse size, and figured it would be a great way for someone to chart the course of their journey with their vision board.

But somehow that didn’t seem heartfelt enough. So, the morning of the workshop, my little ‘un and I sat down and cut a little heart out of cardstock and coloured it in. We covered it with washi tape and sparkling butterfly stickers and incorporated a wise quote from Goethe. Then we taped a set of feather wings to each side and covered the whole thing with glittery gem medium to seal it. With that talisman, we hoped that the journal recipient would be reminded that their dreams had wings... and also to share their creative dreams with a little person in their lives.

The gift-giving ceremony was held at the end of the workshop and was guided beautifully by Cathy. She asked us each to explain the significance of the gift we were giving, then place it in the centre of the circle in which we were sitting. She then invited us to take turns in choosing a gift and share why we had selected it.

My gift was the first to be selected and found its way to a beautiful home! My heart filled with joy, also because I had felt a special connection to the lass who chose it.

When it came to my own turn, I have to confess that I had my eye on something that symbolised something very specific. I felt it was imbued with a certain energy that really matching how I was feeling and what I was hoping to invite into my life.

Then someone else selected it, for very different reasons.

When my own time came, I saw that there was something else on the table that was really speaking to me... and was, in fact, the best choice for me.

The exquisite handmade green brooch pictured above.

The lass who made it took one very courageous step in putting this delightful creation out into the world. She had not yet had the confidence to share her creative work with others and harboured a secret wish to open her own shop.

I knew that this beautiful green lady was imbued with powerful whispers: You can do it! The world is waiting for you. Your work is lovely, unique, precious. Take the leap. You will be rewarded.

I thanked the creator of this powerful talisman for her bravery, and was so touched to see how much this moved her. I asked her to let me know when her shop was open, as I knew that when I wore the brooch, that people would ask me where I got it, where they could find one. I told her that there was a thirst for such beautiful objects that had been handmade with love.

I'm pretty sure all of you dear kindred spirits reading this now would not be unhappy if someone gifted you a beautiful piece like this, or know of someone who would prize it dearly. For me, whenever I wear the brooch it reminds me to be brave, take the leap, share my gifts with the world, and be open to receiving the love that this creates.

This week, I invite you to open your heart to the notion that you are worthy of receiving. If, like me, you are someone who is quick to give (and eager to ensure that you are never indebted to someone) you may find this invitation more confronting than it first appears! What is it that you most need today? Could it be that you truly deserve to receive it, without debt or obligation?

It's true: giving is a beautiful thing. But it's also true that receiving can bring more joy, inspiration and encouragement than the obvious pleasure derived from receiving a material object. And, as Cathy showed it, there is a sweet tender magic in stepping forward and openly claiming the things we need to receive.

I hadn’t been quite sure how the gift-giving ceremony would go. What if no-one liked my gift? What if there wasn’t anything I wanted by the time my turn came around?

In the end, I saw that trust is always the answer. What I gave was graciously received. What I received was exactly the gift I needed. And in giving the need a voice, it was met a thousandfold.

This, my friends, you can trust: you worthy of what you receive.

The sure-fire cure for overwhelm

2012-02-06T07:30:00.000+11:00

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): "If Mark Twain had had Twitter," says humorist Andy Borowitz, "he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn." I think you're facing a comparable choice, Gemini. You can either get a lot of little things done that will serve your short-term aims, or else you can at least partially withdraw from the day-to-day give-and-take so as to devote yourself with more focus to a long-range goal. I'm not here to tell you which way to go; I just want to make sure you know the nature of the decision before you.

From freewillastrology.com

The truth is, I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed these past few days.

I think it’s a combination of things. Feeling a tiny bit under the weather. Trying to get back in synch with our routine, as my little ‘un resumes her creative play sessions. Brave conversations about whether I do enough around the house. Trying to filter out the artificial deadlines. [Just because I make declarations of worthiness, doesn’t mean I have all this sorted!] The number of creative projects underway... in addition to the number that I wish I could do. The exhaustion that comes with the sheer joy of squeezing in as much creative goodness into/out of a day as possible. Trying to make good decisions, consciously, about food and exercise and sleep. The exhilarating and slightly confronting energy emanating from my vision board. The questions, constant questions.

In among all of this, I wonder if this is really my path. This slightly manic energy, I know it won’t last forever. But when it has ebbed out of my bones, what then?

I know I have done with work: psychologically, artistically. I know I have a story, a style all of my own.

But I see myself searching for structure, seeking instruction (enrolling in e-course after e-course!). I see how this also enables me to defer striking out on my own, going out on a limb with my art, seeing what I'm really made of.

I see myself doubt whether I have got the soul of my story, my style, straight. I know who I am and what I love to do, but if I were to try and make something and sell it, what would it be? If I were to write something, what would it be? If I were to teach something, what would it be?

As I write this, I feel a tremendous amount of tenderness for the girl who is so eager for the answers. Those pithy one-liners that can serve as static guideposts until the end of time. Other people seem to have them, right?

The work. At the end of the day, it is all about the work.

My work.

Just do it, a sweet voice beckons. Start. Don’t question. You are so good at trusting your intuition in so many aspects of your life. Stretch this muscle. Trust it.

Trust the process. The destination will become clear when the time is right. The product, the story, the curriculum will emerge, in time.

It doesn't have to emerge from a vacuum. In fact, it rarely does. You have a muse. You are inspired. You will be invited to produce, to participate. You do not need to conjure anything. You do not need to dig any deeper.

You have done the work.

You have the time. Savour it.

My work. That’s where it’s at.

Time to get back to it.

S is for savouring

2012-02-05T17:06:00.001+11:00

snuffbox smell of rain
seventy five soul cards
Steven King's On Writing
six hundredth post

Savouring my Saturday

2012-02-04T11:30:00.000+11:00

1. Delicious swathes of jasmine outside my office, making journeys into the midday heat dreamy and exotic.

2. The prospect of experiencing this extraordinary chappie in performance in April.

3. Dreaming up a gorgeous itinerary based on the world’s most beautiful bookstores (link courtesy of my sweetheart, Jen).

4. My sister emailing me to tell me that she loves hanging out with me.

5. Vivienne McMaster’s beautiful 14 days of self-love series, blowing me away.

6. Emails and the possibility of a catch-up date with the lovely people who participated in Your Awesome Year. Loving the prospect of brave, open, creative new friends.

7. Deciding to follow up in a phone call all the things that were left unsaid, and the brave conversation that blossomed from that moment.

8. Steadily working my way through Soul Restoration and Body Restoration and loving every minute. Getting messy with paint and glue.

9. Booking our wedding anniversary dinner date.

10. My little ‘un’s expression when I told her how beautiful her art was, how happy it made me, and how proud of her I was. Those little cheeks got all taut and wide, as if they were savouring the most exquisite piece of chocolate and they never wanted it to end. My sweet sweet girl.

What did you savour this week? Be sure to savour Maxabella's lovely celebration of gratitude here.

One of the (many) reasons I love Summer Pierre

2012-02-03T07:00:00.001+11:00

The above image is from a recent post on Summer Pierre's blog.

That girl's a genius.

Fuchsias

2012-02-02T11:27:00.000+11:00

I once heard a story
about a little boy who called these
beautiful pinky purply flowers
futures.

I'm not sure if he used to love
squeezing the unopened bulbs
gently
in his hands

just to feel that exquisite
pop!

(like I used to)

or
whether he just
loved
the explosion of colour

that
somehow
signified
hope.

Worthiness Wednesday #44 The gifts and perils of an artificial deadline

2012-02-01T07:00:00.000+11:00

Thursday last week was a public holiday here in Australia. I’d made plans to pop over to my bff’s gorgeous flat for some homemade lemonade on the balcony. I was really looking forward to relaxing in her space and having a good old natter, as always. But all week, in the lead-up, something kept nagging at me.

Her blanket. The one that I am crocheting for her housewarming present.

I have completed a third of the granny squares but all last week a little voice nagged me: “Crochet them together! You need to put them together so that she can see how a third of her blanket is finished. Quick! Quick! You don’t have much time! You’re running out of time!”

I started to panic, wondered how I was going to “get everything done” while this urgent task needed attention.

I didn’t manage any crochet last week. I went to my bff’s and we easily filled the time talking about all manner of things, as we usually do. The blanket didn’t even come up in conversation.

On Saturday, I attended a workshop that included the opportunity to make a vision board. One of the things I was really looking forward to was meeting kindred spirits and getting to know a bit about their creative endeavours.

“Artist Trading Cards!” That little voice cried. “You have never made them before, but you really need to have them now! Everyone else will have them and you’ll be the only one out. How else are people going to keep in touch with you, follow your blog? Quick! Get online and learn the protocols. You need to make twenty by Saturday! Quick! Quick! You don’t have much time! You’re running out of time!”

I didn’t manage to make, to even start making, Artist Trading Cards. I attended the workshop and no-one had ATCs. Some of the attendees would not have even described themselves as artists (although that’s a story for another post). I found myself offering to compile a list of everyone’s blogs and email it around.

The tyranny of these artificial deadlines makes me curious. In some ways I love that little voice. She’s so creative! She has great ideas. She encourages me to make the most of every moment. Sometimes I feel driven to attempt what she suggests and, it’s true, I do feel a tremendous sense of achievement. Like, wow! I really can “do it all”. (Then I usually flake out with exhaustion.)

Other times, I feel she is an unreasonable task master. She makes me feel like a failure and a slob for not going that extra mile, not being a goodie-two-shoes, not earning extra credits. Sometimes her voice reminds me of my Mum’s and I find myself comparing my energy (or lack thereof) to my Mum’s. She always manages to do her best and go that extra mile. (Then she usually flakes out with exhaustion.)

And you know what? I had a really lovely week, even though I didn’t manage any crochet or ATCs. I did lots of other things that really made me happy.

This week, I invite you to step back and look at all the To Do lists and deadlines on your agenda. Then listen to the voices that are pushing you to go that extra mile. How many of those deadlines and requirements are ones that you have placed on yourself? Which of these made you feel excited, motivated, courageous? Which make you feel daunted, time-pressured, inadequate?

Get curious: whose voice is it that you hear, when you receive those latter requests?

Get compassionate: how could you gently thank that voice for trying to inspire and motivate you, but explain that it’s not really what you need right now? Then tenderly let it go?

After all, you know deep down what it is you love to do. You’ll know when the time is right to tackle the other things, if you really need to.

Your time is worth honouring with things that you love. And you deserve to let yourself off the hook when it comes it anything that doesn’t fit the bill.

Journal junkie love

2012-01-31T08:00:00.000+11:00

O. M. G.

I had seen references to a Smash Journal on Liz Lamoreux’s blog and not really given it much thought.

And then, during a moment of downtime at work, decided to take a closer look.

It’s fair to say it was love at second sight!

And yes, I know, it’s nothing that couldn’t be achieved with a regular journal, a glue stick and a bit of imagination. Yes, it’s a bit gimmicky and won’t do my carbon credits any favours.

But, what can I say?

Love.

The vision and the board

2012-01-30T20:16:00.000+11:00

If I am going to be honest, I was a little sceptical about what a vision board had to offer. In saying this, I mean no disrespect to Cathy or Louise, both of whom I knew had the skills, experience and energy to offer a truly amazing workshop (and they did!). I also knew that the process of putting a vision board together would be delightful -- you know how much I love cutting and pasting-- and enlightening.

But the board itself?

Put it this way: whenever I mentioned to anyone that I was going to spend a day making a vision board, it tended to invite wry smiles and jokes about Oprah/gratitude journals/aha moments.

The truth is, I was very shy to admit that I believed in all of those things. I was also a little afraid that the things that I’d put out there – my secret heart’s desires pasted up for the universe to see – would not come to fruition.

[Typing this, I am now given pause for thought: I wonder if those who expressed cynicism about vision boards were also a little afraid to put their innermost yearnings “out there”.]

Anyway, as anticipated, the space that Cathy and Louise created was welcoming and safe and more than a little inspiring. This allowed a number of really powerful things to happen.

The image that came to me during Louise’s guided meditation was strong and lush and detailed and spread a strong sense of love and calm from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

Gathering images from magazines was fun but also gratifying. There were only a couple of specific images I was seeking: the rest I left to intuition. The images that jumped out at me, and that I tore out for my vision board, were exquisite in their colour and texture. And, I realised, they were highly symbolic of specific aspects of the vision I was manifesting.

I really loved working fast, without thinking. I am often critical of myself for working in this way, as I fear this makes my work flippant and shallow and full of mistakes. I am working hard to unlearn this self-criticism in my creative life and, in the case of my vision board, felt I was truly reaping the rewards of letting my intuition guide me. Allowing myself to be led by the harmony of the images, and not stopping to think too hard about the shapes I cut or layers I pasted or the position of specific things: the final image was so much greater than the sum of its parts.

I found myself saying to Louise: “I think that we understand profound ancient concepts like the Feng Shui Bagua deep in our bones. On a cellular level. I am trusting my eyes and my hands to put things where they need to be. I am really looking forward to mapping the finished product against the Bagua to see what I instinctively knew to ask for.”

When it came to start pasting my images down, I felt an intense bout of butterflies in my solar plexus. I pushed past this, curious about the fear of commitment this suggested. The butterflies subsided as I went on my merry way... then returned to the power of ten just before I pasted my final images. These were a photo of myself with my daughter and a picture of a heart with keys I’d found in a magazine. These were, in effect, the heart of my vision board. And the significance of committing these symbols to my vision board trembled from my own heart through to my fingers and toes and made my head spin a little. I had to sit still for a moment, to try and calm my breathing. I turned to the lovely lass next to me and confided with a little laugh, “I am feeling really nervous all of a sudden!” She turned and looked at me thoughtfully and said, softly, “Huh.”

When I got home, I couldn’t wait to show my vision board to my husband and daughter. My little ‘un absolutely loved it and delighted in seeing herself, as well as identifying all the smaller parts that made the whole. My husband looked over it appreciatively and the finishing touches I added the next day were photos of him and one of the two of us. I'd been kicking myself for not organising these in time for the workshop, but there was no harm done in adding them at home. With my husband in my heart, the vision board was complete.

It now has pride of place on the windowsill in my study/studio and it’s the first thing you see when you walk in.

By making this board, I have put the beautiful vision I had during the guided meditation “out there”. I am saying to the Universe: this is how I want to be feeling in a year’s time. I want our family to have grown. I want us to be spending some private and intentional time together, away from the pressures of our day-to-day lives. I want to feel pride and satisfaction in the books I have written and the art I have made. I want the breathe deeply, fresh sea air. I want gorgeous golden sunlight and deep shimmering blues. I want to hold my daughter by the hand and go for a walk. I want us to rest, discover, delight. I want us to savour.

I am also saying: this is not a To Do list. This is not a To Be Delivered docket. This is not an opportunity for self-punishment, comparison, pessimism if the things on my board don’t eventuate in the way they are represented.

In many ways, I already have all the things I have asked for. And I am open to receiving them in ways that don’t directly resemble the ones I have put on my vision board.

So in this respect, maybe the board was less about putting my vision “out there” than making sure it is firmly tucked “in here”.

Savouring my Sunday

2012-01-29T14:06:00.002+11:00

Things I have been savouring over the past few days:

1. The cool evenings after the sweltering days, and the delicious mornings like the one captured above on the way to Pilates.

2. Telling my sister the truth: that I really look forward to going swimming with her during my lunchbreaks on the days that I work. In fact, I am flooded with a happy feeling when I glimpse her walking across campus to meet me.

3. Sharing my One Little Word book with my bff and encouraging her to take the leap.

4. Reading a bold and intriguing interview with an academic and author of a book that deconstructs the heavy guilt with which women of my age enter into motherhood. I cannot wait to dive into this!

5. Organising a collection for a present and morning tea for a sweet colleague who is soon to be married.

6. Loving the breathing space between appointments with my therapist, who is currently on holidays. Noticing stuff. Feeling good.

7. Practicing generosity.

8. This incredibly beautiful commencement address by Anna Quindlen, with thanks to the Brave Girls for the tip-off (not to mention the beautiful rendering of the words in a blog post of their own).

9. A seriously fantastic day of envisioning an awesome year, hosted by Cathy and Louise. (More on that soon!)

10. Loving how my word for 2012 is honing my vision to all the things in my daily life that are worth slowing down to savour... and for which I am most grateful.

What have you been savouring this week?

Be sure to visit the magnificent Maxabella's blog for more gorgeous gratitude.

Fight your way through

2012-01-27T08:00:00.000+11:00

This could also be titled "Yet another reason I am gutted that I missed out on tickets to see Ira Glass when he comes to Melbourne!".

Worthiness Wednesday #43 (re)connect to your deepest wisdom

2012-01-25T22:30:00.000+11:00

My daughter spent the day at her Nonna's (i.e at my mother-in-law's house) yesterday. We set off at 10am to avoid the worst of the peak hour traffic and my husband was set to pick her up when he finished work at 4pm.

Naturally, I was pretty excited about having almost a whole day to myself to potter about in the study/studio. But on the drive home, after dropping my little 'un off, something interesting started to happen.

"You can't spend the entire time, cutting and pasting stuff at your desk!"

"There's a filthy house and at least three loads of washing and the question of what's for dinner that require your attention!"

"The stuff you are working on is so silly and it will never amount to anything, it's a pathetic waste of time."

I could feel my heart beat faster and my body temperature rise, and my irritability factor was going through the roof (never a good idea when you're driving down Punt Road in Melbourne!).

By the time I got home, it was midday and the temperature outside had already hit 34 degrees Celcius.

I sat on my chair in the study/studio and sighed.

Then I noticed, my hands were itching for that glue. Before my even critic could even think of a reason not to, my hands were reaching for the paper, the scissors, the cardstock, the gel medium: getting ready so I could start my days' work.

But even though my body knew what I needed, my heart's true desire, I hesitated. My head still wasn't convinced.

Then I remembered.

I had the tools to deal with this. I got out my journal and I wrote the three accusations above, among others.

The answers came immediately, loud and clear:

"This is your time. You have earned it. You have permission to enjoy it."

"Your house is no more filthy than it was yesterday. You will get the housework done. You'll think of something for dinner. Everything is fine."

"NO. Doing something that makes you feel restless and unfulfilled: that's a waste of time. Your art is not yours to judge. It makes your heart sing and that's all you need to know."

And with that, I shut my journal, put down my pen and got on with it. I spent the day hibernating away from the heat, pottering away on various creative projects, whilst listening to an audio recording of Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes' The Creative Fire.

When my little 'un arrived home with my husband, I was happy to see them both. I shoved a load of washing in the machine and defrosted some bolognese sauce to have with spaghetti for dinner. My daughter had had a fun day with her Nonna, my mother-in-law was rapt to have had time with her gorgeous granddaughter in her own home, and for my husband it was a day as usual.

A bit like the Fiona Robyn quote I posted a few days ago: this is not new territory for me. I feel like I am writing about this sort of dialogue with my inner critic over and over again.

But this time, I noticed it was that tiny bit easier to push through. I located the tool I needed in my toolbox, and I was able to put it to good use. I certainly didn't invent this one, the dialogue with one's deepest wisdom. In Soul Restoration, they talk about connecting with your Truth Teller. There's a wonderful section in Keri Smith's Living Out Loud that talks of "confronting the inner critic with gusto". Much of SARK's work is based on learning to work productively with our inner demons.

This week, if you find yourself in a situation where you are questioning your intuition, I invite you to make a little space where you can give your fears a hearing. Whip out a pen and a piece of paper and write down all the reasons why you can't or shouldn't do what it is that your heart is leading you to.

Then, next to these accusations/fears/catastrophes, write -- without thinking -- what you know the truth to be.

Allow yourself to be surprised. Allow yourself to be relieved. Allow yourself to be grateful. Allow yourself to believe what it is that you already know to be the truth.

Allow yourself to thank your inner critic for trying to protect you, then let whatever he/she has to say go.

Because you deserve to do the things that make your heart sing. And your inner critic really can be tamed (and even entertained with audio recordings) while you get on with the business of doing what you love.

It might not be clear where your creative journey is heading, but this I know for sure: it is worthy of fighting for.

Her words

2012-01-24T14:59:00.000+11:00

Her words are pithy
and succulent
like a pomegranate.

Savouring my Sunday

2012-01-22T13:55:00.001+11:00

Things I've savoured over the past few days include...

1. My daughter's stylish and innovative peg work (pictured above). She calls this particular effect "seaweed".

2. Catching up with our friend who lives in New York, who was in town visiting friends and family, and going out to our favourite local for lunch.

3. The new year menu changes at our local: nothing too drastic but subtle tasty tweaks to keep things fresh and interesting.

4. Catching up on some crochet: I'm a third of the way through my bff's nanna blankie housewarming gift!

5. Taking my little 'un to her a birthday party, the first she has really been grown up enough to understand and participate in. She did wonderfully, and only had a minor meltdown when it was time to go home (understandable, given how little she'd eaten, how tired and overstimulated she was, and what a good time she'd had!).

6. How lovely it was to witness the childrens' delight in good old-fashioned party games such as Pass the Parcel.

7. Getting back in to Pilates yesterday and aching only a little bit today.

8. Watching how the nasty feelings that arose from a painful conversation dissipated after I allowed myself some space to see what they were really all about. Watching this thought arise in my mind: I am healed! Upon reflection, this may have been an overstatement but I am certainly noticing greater resilience in circumstances that used to knock me flat.

9. Booking a solo overnight adventure to see the Picasso exhibition in Sydney. Counting down the days, hours, minutes, seconds.

10. Feeling particularly proud of myself and my sister after our first week of swimming during our lunch breaks on the days that I work. The first time, we only managed ten laps. The second, twelve. OK, so it's only a 25 metre pool but it does represent a 20 per cent increase!

What have you savoured this week?

Fun free fabulousness for your fridge (a DIY)

2012-01-21T10:00:00.000+11:00

I'm not much of a DIY gal, as a rule. I mean, I love looking at step-by-step on other people's blogs, but never ever do them, let alone post them myself.

But then I did a nifty little project last week and thought would be a hoot to share it here.

I usually chuck out these hideous free magnets that real estate agents slip through our letterbox. It was my husband who fished them out of the bin and said, "Wouldn't they make a great craft project?"

I peeled the hideousness off and also noticed that my little 'un had come back from my Mum and Dad's with a plastic bag sporting an image she was rather fond of. "This is an alien-friend driving a plastic sandwich!" she announced. I suspect the burger rolls that originally came in the bag may have tasted not unlike their wrapping, but I kept my views to myself.

Partly to ensure that the image stuck to the magnet, and partly because I am an arty tosser, I gessoed the magnet and waited for it to dry. Then I adhered the image with gel medium and painted a coat on top to seal it. By my reckoning, a big of white paint and any old crafty glue would do just as well.

The best bit was cutting the image out and putting it on the fridge, then watching my little 'un's delight as she discovered it nestled among her usual favourites. (And not just because I got to use those fandangled scissors I once bought at a craft fair specially to cut rubber stamps... and have only used once before now. Sigh!)

So there you go. Took all of five minutes, was totally free, reduced real estate agent-produced landfill a smidgen and made a toddler smile. All in a day's work for this arty tosser! Har har.

The beauty of the broken record

2012-01-20T08:00:00.000+11:00

Sometimes when I write these musings I feel as if I'm saying the same things over and over again. Simplify your life. Concentrate on the details. Make friends with your feelings. Create space. On and on and on like a broken record.

I realise that it's because these are the things I most need to hear myself -- the things that are the biggest challenge to me. I learn these lessons over and over because, for whatever reason, they're difficult lessons for me to learn.

Maybe the realisation that we're repeating ourselves can help draw attention to the fact that we need to listen to ourselves more carefully.

Maybe the realisation that we're repeating ourselves can help draw attention to the fact that we need to listen to ourselves more carefully.

Fiona Robyn

A Year of Questions:

how to slow down and fall in love with life

Worthiness Wednesday #42 The tyranny of dreams

2012-01-18T17:28:00.001+11:00

January 2011 was a crazy, amazing time for me. It was as if I had awoken from a coma and was suddenly seeing, hearing, tasting everything in vivid colour for the first time. For about four weeks, I hardly slept a wink a night. But my energy levels were through the roof, my mind constantly ticking over with ideas and inspiration.

I'll never really know exactly what happened during that time, but I suspect a couple of things contributed. My first major breakthrough in therapy. A time of intense introspection. Early experiences with Soul Restoration and the discovery of a whole new creative vocabulary. Going sugar-free for three weeks. The rejuvenation that comes from the end of one year and beginning of the next.

A couple of weeks ago, I discovered on my altar an aerogramme addressed to myself, with the instructions "Open December 2011". Upon opening it, I recalled that I had written it during the height of this intense and ecstatic time.

It was a list of dreams, clearly written by a woman who knew the world was her oyster, who had every confidence wishes would be granted.

It was the same woman who read the note a year later. But she'd be lying if she didn't admit that her heart sank.

A few of the items did come true, largely through her own hard work. Others didn't have quite the same attraction or urgency.

Most seemed further away than ever.

She recalled what she'd learnt in Mondo Beyondo: that a Dream List is not a To Do List. She also remembered dreaming exercises she done in her 2012 Creating Your Goddess Year workbook, which included a series of small task lists to help ensure that she would spend her year working towards each dream identified.

But she couldn't help but think of all the blog posts she'd read over the course of the festive season, where friends and others she admired from afar, ticked every item off their list of intentions from the year just passed.

It's fair to say, she felt like a bit of a failure.

And she wondered if this kinda defeated the purpose of the Dream List in the first place.

So this year, in the spirit of savour, this woman is going to do things a little differently.

This woman, she knows why all of the things on her dream list didn't come to pass. Some were just too big to tackle with the time/energy/resources she had at her disposal. Many were too long term to manifest in the space of one year. Most would not happen unless she was prepared to prioritise them over a number of other things, and then work bloody hard. Others were out of her hands and would only come to fruition when the time was ripe. One or two were impeded by blocks, in her psyche, in close relationships. (These would have to be fought for, hard.)

This year, this woman is going to shelve her Dream List for a bit. She has chosen a word as a travelling companion. She is going to learn a little more about the visioning process. And then she is going to give the rest up to the universe.

This woman, like you, is doing the work. Every day, she does what she can. She shows up. Some days, she does it wretchedly. Other days, she soars. She figures that the most important thing is that she does it anyway. Every day, she tries to do one little thing that brings her vision, her life's dream, her heart's deepest desire, her purpose to life.

This year, will you join her? Will you gently shelve your lists, your dreams, your intentions, your gaols... all those things that were created with the best of intentions but can also flip at a moment's notice and become yardsticks we can use to beat ourselves with? Will you decide against comparing your journey to anyone else's? Will you commit to trusting that whatever you do -- however imperfectly -- that it is enough?

Our paths are worth trusting, however they might meander. We deserve comfort in the knowledge that our efforts -- to show up, to do what we can, to do it anyway -- are enough.

And even if our dreams don't come true: we are enough.

Scenes from a Frenchy and Fabulous day!

2012-01-18T15:19:00.001+11:00

So my sister and I went to So Frenchy, So Chic at Weribee Park on Sunday...

I took a moment to witness myself before departing: excited and feeling a bit fabulous in my new dress and pigtails.

It was a gorgeous day. Sunny, cloudless sky, cool Southerly breeze.

Some clever punters supplied their own retro goodness, complete with fresh flowers!

Asa was every bit as gorgeous, delightful and inspiring as anticipated.

My sister's snacks did not disappoint.

Careful planning ensured serious relaxation! (Camping chairs replete with insulated cup holders not pictured.)

Plenty of opportunities for camera mischief!

It was an all-ages, family friendly event.

Féfé infused the crowd with his phenomenal energy.

A moment of being seen by my sister: relaxed, energised, present.

It was a seriously gorgeous day. Just looking at these pictures makes me feel happy all over again! I'd highly recommend attending... unless you're like the woman who was heard to complain, "I thought it was going to be FRENCH music!". Though I suspect nothing short of the appearance of Monsieur Aznavour (or the exhumation of La MômePiaf) would have pleased her...

A funny thing happened on the interwebs...

2012-01-16T07:00:00.000+11:00

Over the Christmas/New Year break, I received two rather strange emails. It probably serves me right for checking my work emails over the break, but it was fascinating to see the ways in which my days were coloured after focusing my retinas for a moment on a certain configuration of pixels on a screen.

The first email was from an academic journal in Nairobi requesting that I peer review an article. This jolted me awake for a few reasons. The first was that I had never been approached to do anything like this before. The second was that the turnaround time was two weeks, including five days that fell within the festive season! The third was that I had forgotten most the work I did for my thesis on the 14th Century philosopher on which the article was based.

I was worried that the journal editor might be labouring under a misapprehension regarding my qualifications. I may have a doctorate and I am employed by a university, but I am not a member of academic staff.

And deep deep down, I was even more fearful that I had nothing to offer. Who was I to be critiquing someone else’s academic work? Who did I think I was?

The second email arrived the next day. The day before new year’s eve, in fact. It was from a woman I’d met overseas many years ago, as she was my primary point of contact at a government-owned company that sponsored international students to study in the faculty where I was employed.

She was angry and indignant. She’d found on the internet a report that I had written ten years ago (!). It detailed the minutiae of a student recruitment trip I had conducted in her country, and included information such as the institutions I’d visited; the numbers of students met; numbers of enquiries and applications fielded; and competitor intelligence. The report also contained notes regarding meetings and, in particular, detailed a meeting scheduled with herself that she had failed to attend. The notes for this meeting indicated that this was the third time she had neglected to attend a meeting and that future endeavours to forge a relationship with her organisation should circumvent herself and be arranged with her manager.

It’s fair to say she was pretty offended by that, and wanted the report removed. But it’s also fair to say that I was no less horrified. That report was informal and for internal circulation only (and even then, it was commercial in confidence). Given how sensitive the information therein, my mind went crazy with the possibilities. Who on earth had sent it to her? What other information was drifting around on the ether? My notes in no way represented the views of the university or faculty where I worked but would it come down to her word against mine? [She totally stood us up three times running, by the way!]

A week or so down the track, and it’s all a benign and distant memory.

I read the article and reviewed it using the template provided. It turned out to be quite easy, everything I knew came flooding back to me, and I submitted my review a week early.

The email of apology I sent to the offended party was received ungraciously, but received nonetheless. And the offending website – where, it turned out, a whole lot of outdated but sensitive information was stored without password protection – was removed.

I was supported in both instances: by my Dad in the first case (who has considerable experience with these things, and was able to offer some pointers) and my colleagues in the second and my husband in both cases.

It did get me to thinking, though. How easy it is to put something “out there” and have someone not-so-random find it and make wild assumptions about who I am and what I do. How easy it is for other people’s agendas to send my own into a flat spin. How easy it is to second guess my own motivations.
But also: how easy it was to bounce back.

A whisper from the ether: know your intent when you put your stuff out there. Then remember this when challenged: it’s not about you.

Savouring my Saturday

2012-01-14T14:09:00.000+11:00

Today and this week, I am grateful for:

1. A lovely date night including dinner at MoVida (which was a bit uneven but mostly great) and seeing Beirut (who was every bit as talented and awe-inspiring as anticipated).

And the bonus of nabbing really good seats at The Forum so that we could see the stage as well as rest our weary feet and achy backs (ah, the joys of getting old!).

2. The kisses and cuddles and pure joy radiating from my little 'un when I picked her up from her sleepover at Mum and Dad's earlier this week.

And noticing the subtle signs that she has grown -- and by that I mean, grown up -- in the space of two days.

3. A really good, clear, moving session with my therapist. Seeing patterns. Seeing shifts. Seeing my shoulders come down.

And, while I was waiting for my appointment, the chance to watch the curiously idiosyncratic way in which a Mynah bird set about digging up the garden.

4. A lovely artist date with my friend Cathy. Chatting about life, art, retreats, the pain of relentless comparison, work, creative spaces, painting techniques, books. A breath of fresh air.

And a plan to tee up a painting date in the next month or so. Yay!

5. Singing up for Cathy and Louise's fantastic Your Awesome Year workshop, which runs later this month. If you live in Melbourne and you are keen for some serious dreaming (and a lot of fun), then you should sign up for this!

And looking forward to really understanding how a vision board works. I'm so curious to see how my intentions will manifest over the course of the year.

6. Getting ready for So Frenchy, So Chic tomorrow! Map? Check! Esky? Check! Comfy chairs? Check! Suncream? Check! Great food? Check! 28 degrees Celsius and sunny? Check! Fabulous sister? Check!

Oh, and gorgeous music that's, well, French!

7. Getting stuck in to the Body Restoration curriculum... my way. Making fun art that really speaks to me. Watching assignment videos while my little 'un naps, and sipping the perfect chai.

And the joy of taking my time finishing old Soul Restoration projects and starting my One Little Word book for 2012. Loving looking back on what I have created.

8. Getting ready to go swimming with my sister at the university pool during our lunchbreak on Monday. (Operation Fat Girl Swimming Shorts was a success = no more worrying about the logistics of having to, ahem, remove my sideburns every week!!)

And so proud of myself for taking up the opportunity to move on a regular basis in a way that is realistic, achievable and enjoyable.

9. Realising the gifts of having limited funds, including: the opportunity for discernment and prioritising; the necessity of developing a long term view; and, practicing mindful spending.

And trusting that new income channels will be generated through my writing.

10. Luxuriating in my newly invigorated and fantastically functional study/studio! This space feels like my sanctuary and my think tank and most definitely the place where the magic happens.

Life is good, my friends. Life is good.

Looking back on #reverb

2012-01-13T09:11:00.000+11:00

Diving in to the #reverb experience in December 2011 was an exhilarating, terrifying, exhausting, and somewhat bewildering experience. It was certainly different from engaging with the prompts from the passenger seat. Looking back, though, it feels like it was a major milestone for me in my blogging life.

After I got over my initial “Who the hell do you think you are?” phase, there was a crazy flurry of activity to get all the prompts written, organise a blog button (thanks, once again, to my superlative saviour Joe), invite a small number of guest bloggers, and set up the posts.

Then there was responding to the posts. I had feared that responding to my own posts would be a little stale. But luckily, the fact that they had been written in one adrenaline-fuelled fell swoop, and set up to post on 1 December, by the time I came to responding, it was like looking at them afresh each day.

I had tempered my expectations regarding participation and I was amazed throughout the month just how many bloggers were hosting their own #reverb experiences. Some bloggers then used this as an opportunity to build something of a #reverb sampler, responding to different prompts posted by different bloggers each day, which made for some invigorating and inspiring reading.

I really was heartened to welcome new friends into this space, as well as witness old companions responding to my prompts. A special shout-out must go to Jan, who managed to make it through the entire #reverb11 marathon, posting every single day. Also Lu, who did an incredible job of sprinting through an entire month’s worth in one post!!

What warmed my heart even more were the emails I received from kindred spirits to let me know they were using my prompts privately, in their journals. I was so touched to know that these sweet souls, from all corners of the globe, were working with my words in this way. That was most definitely the greatest reward.

Other than that, I am given to wonder if I would do it again.

In some ways, I would be keen. It was a lot of fun and there were extraordinary and unexpected gifts. And there would be a lot of possibilities for improving the experience for everyone who wants to play along. For example, setting up a linky so that everyone who’s participating can sign up and meet each other, thus creating more of a community feel.

In other ways, I am not so sure. It did really swallow my blog in December. And responding to the prompts felt quite exhausting by the end (although this may just be part-and-parcel of the #reverb experience, and December in general!). It didn’t give me much space to write about other things, with the result that I felt a little pent up and overwhelmed come January. So hosting it externally, perhaps in collaboration with a small number of other bloggers, might be a better way to go.

Anyhoo, there’s plenty of time to give it more thought. Any feedback, insights, suggestions you have would be very welcome!

And thank you again for making my #reverb11 experience such an extraordinary one. I am so glad I did it.

Worthiness Wednesday #41 Plan some indulgence

2012-01-11T15:30:00.000+11:00

Long time readers of this blog will know that I have struggled with indulgence in its various forms for quite some time. Indulgence, for example, in terms of food and alcohol consumption. Indulgence in the form of impulse spending on fripperies. And let’s not forget that famous incident when I collapsed under the strain of the accusation that my wanting to attend a retreat in the USA was an unreasonable indulgence.

Well now, in the spirit of savour, I want to reclaim this word.

Indulgence.

in·dul·gence [in-duhl-juhns]
noun
1. the act or practice of indulging; gratification of desire.
2. the state of being indulgent.
3. indulgent allowance or tolerance.
4. a catering to someone's mood or whim; humouring: The sick man demanded indulgence as his due.
5. something indulged in: Her favourite indulgence was candy.

What could possibly be wrong with the occasional and mindful focus on gratifying one’s desire?
Recently, my bff and I were trying to tee up a date to see an intriguing exhibition at the National Gallery of Victoria. Weekends in January already being full, we were attempting an evening artist date. However, the NGV closes at 5pm and my bff works full-time.

Then I recalled that I had received an email, as an NGV Member, inviting me to a Mid-Summer party. The party included entry to the exhibition after hours, drinks and food, and entertainment.

It was expensive.

I deleted it.

Then I thought for a minute.

And I wrote an email to my bff:

Just had a look at the NGV site and they're only open to 5pm, the stinkies.

BUT there's this special evening event, which I have to admit did pique my interest but I wrote it off due to the cost. I am a Member, so you could come as my guest. It could be really special. What do you think?

She wrote back straight away:

Hey Kat, love it and although a bit self indulgent in terms of $ let’s do it. Actually I think we should aim to do something like this i.e. an extra special night or day just us two at least twice a year. So this is the first one!

You gotta love a bff who reminds you of the important things in life. Friendship. Art. Calculated indulgence that honours both.

I booked. We’re going.

This week, I invite you to be your own bff and get out your benevolent magnifying glass. What is there, in limbo in your trash folder, waiting for you? Could it be that the investment of time or money or energy that you assumed you couldn’t justify really is important... for your soul?

My bff’s word for 2012 is respect. My word, as you know, is savour.

I think this decadent gallery date is a fantastic example of both.

Your heart’s desires are worthy of respect. And you, my dear, are worthy of savouring each indulgence.

Space to savour

2012-01-10T17:30:00.000+11:00

I’m sorry to subject you to visions of our hideous peach-coloured carpet but I have so that I am pretty excited that actually you can actually see it!

This is my study/studio after a two-day purge. Like all functional spaces in a humming family home, it had become the dumping ground for post-Christmas detritus, things to be tackled, things to be filed, things I’m not quite ready to throw out, things I might use some day... gradually swallowing up any available stepping space.

But after one evening and one morning of sorting, filing, recycling and general ruthlessness, the room feels like one giant bubble of fresh air.

One of the most significant practices for starting the Mondo Beyondo process is “making a clearing”. It can feel like a gargantuan undertaking, and this one was no exception. Which is one of the main reasons I put it off for ages. I hadn’t actually planned to tackle it last night, but for some reason the urge overtook me... and once I started, I couldn’t stop.

The process itself was physically exhausting. I have the feeling I am particularly going to regret it tonight, as I try and stay awake and upright during dinner and a concert!

It also inevitably came with an extremely ugly and perplexing phase: Where on earth did I get all this stuff? Now where am I going to put it all?

But the results were truly glorious.

And what it was really all about is making space for me. Space for my projects. Space for my dreams. Space to retreat to.

Space to savour.

It’s also a space in which I can dive into two the heart of two new e-courses.

I signed up as soon as I saw that the beautiful gals at Brave Girls Club were offering Body Restoration. I loved Soul Restoration 1 & 2, and just know that the curriculum of this new program will have so many synergies with the psychological work I’ve been doing, as well as some of the small changes I am looking to integrate into my eating and exercise habits. It starts in the next day or so and I’ll be sure to share my findings (and makings) here!

And then there’s the new Bloom True course offered by the incomparable Flora Bowley. This lass seemed to burst into the blogosphere (or my radar, at least) early last year. I was thrilled to see that the super savvy Beth Nicholls had cultivated at online program to bring Flora’s gifts to folk like me, who likely wouldn’t be able to attend one of her retreats in person. It starts in February and I can’t wait to make some mischievous mess on that peachy carpet.

The blossoming of the body and the blooming of the soul. Bring it on!

Savouring my Sunday

2012-01-08T09:46:00.001+11:00

I have long been a fan of the sweet and sassy gal who lives in Sydney and calls herself Maxabella. She has been hosting a weekly gratitude practice since her blog started, and in 2012 is teaming up with one of Australia's leading parenting blogs to offer 52 Weeks of Grateful. I love the way it is being pitched as a blog for non-bloggers, and hope it will attract a wide and wonderful following.

I plan to dip in and out of this gorgeous resource throughout the year, as well as continuing to use Magpie Girl's beautiful 8 Things as a launching pad for my gratitude practice. But, in the spirit of savour, I also thought it would be fun to take a moment over the weekend (not usually a very busy time for blog writing or readership) to honour the things that delight and enrich me.

So, here goes!

1. Making buttermilk pancakes with bacon and banana, in honour of a gorgeous breakfast date with my husband at the Christchurch Arts Centre in New Zealand, many years ago.

2. Using our special cups (pictured above) for coffee.

3. Opening the front door and the back window to the delicious smell of rain.

4. Having a fun family outing to see Wind in the Willows in the Botanic Gardens yesterday morning. My Dad used to read the books to us, and we adored the BBC production (which I have ordered as a secret surprise present for my Dad so he can watch it with my little 'un). It warms my heart to see the next generation of our little family delighting in this classic tale.

5. My little 'un's current obsession with "collections". She gathers a handful of [usually but not always] similar things, selects a suitable receptacle, then carefully takes each item out and describes it in minute detail, lines everything up, then puts it all back. Just now she brought in a collection of treasures that I had given her from my craft stash -- a big plastic pearl, blue faceted chandelier tear drops, a flower button, a beaded earring -- set them all out on my desk, talked me through them, then gathered them all up declaring, "Now I am going to show them to my other granddaughter."

6. Watching myself push back against an old pattern that threatened to undo me for a few days. I knew what it was all about: something that can happen in the process of therapy that can inadvertently mirror old acts of being shamed. I saw it, I named it, I honoured it, then let it be. And got back on track.

7. Loving making art, finishing up old Soul Restoration projects and canvases that had been hanging in ugly limbo for quite a while. The satisfaction of pushing through! And making authentic pieces that really speak to my soul.

8. Making a plan to go out and buy a bottle of beautiful champagne for each of the people who worked so hard to ensure I could be appointed to my position on an ongoing basis. It's a long story, and I'm a big supporter of Enterprise Bargaining, but let's just say the Human Resources rulings on fair and open competition meant that a whole lot of people had to do a whole lot of extra work to advertise a role that I had been acting in for two years. I'm grateful for my colleagues' support (and tenacity).

9. Finishing Louise Doughty's A Novel in a Year: From First page to Last in 52 Weeks. It was a fantastic read (and a highly recommended read for any writer who is having trouble getting out of the starting blocks), with a really sound premise, and I totally know I can do it.

10. Making micro-movements towards regular lunchtime swimming dates with my sister. Found my goggles and bathing cap. Hatching a plan to buy suitable swimwear. Looking up membership rates of the University swimming pool. Reminding myself to buy some flip-flops. Remembering how much I used to love swimming...

What are you savouring this weekend?

Welcome, savour

2012-01-06T20:15:00.003+11:00

My word for 2012 is savour.

I can't remember how this word found me late last year, but when it did I knew it was the perfect way to invite something important into my life.

I want to slow down. I want to talk less and listen more.

I want to notice tiny twinklings of beauty.

I want to see each moment for what it is, nothing more. I want to let go of things that have past.

I want to sit with feelings: not avoiding, not fighting, not judging, not analysing, not trying to fix.

I want to enjoy the results of all my hard work: with my creativity, in my family, in my day job.

I want to make art that makes my heart sing. I want to write, write, write.

I want to float in my parents' pool, reading an incredible novel, glass of prosecco in hand.

I want to receive the gifts of each season.

I want to honour this time in my life: in my late thirties, with a young family, with my parents in reasonably good health.

I want to buy less stuff. I want to want less.

I want to eat gorgeous food of quality. I want to drink a lot of water. I want to be succulent.

I want to walk. I want to dance. I want to listen to my favourite songs, from beginning to end (then over again).

I want to sleep deeply.

I want to read stories with my little 'un. I want to hug my husband.

I want more deep talking dates with my beloved friends.

I want movies and art galleries and theatre and public lectures. I want to learn the crafts of my ancestors: embroidery, sewing, baking, bottling.

I want to dress with intent each morning, celebrating my sassy self.

I want to spend more time with my patron saint.

I want to wake and sit quietly in my back garden, with my journal and a mug of coffee.

All that said, savour is not a destination. It is not a To Do list. I don't want this to become a list that I look back on and beat myself up for not achieving any of it.

Savour is a daily practice, a gentle reminder, a guidepost for the life I know I have the capacity to live.

I have already clocked myself: rushing to do it all, hastily jumping to conclusions, dashing to the finish line, getting overwhelmed by all the shadows I am boxing. Already, savour is challenging me to notice. Why the rush? Why does it need to be done now? How is this helping you? Could there be a gentler way? Questions whispered as gently as can be.

And answers. I notice I'm feeling unsettled. I sense that I am avoiding. I wonder if I am not feeling in control. Maybe I do not have anything to fear from slowing down.

Savour is inviting me to witness these answers and honour their gifts. But the time for grappling with them is past.

It's time to just notice. And be.

Au revoir, worthy

2012-01-05T20:16:00.000+11:00

I was pretty delighted to finish my One Little word album this week. I love finishing things! In fact, my capacity to finish things is one of the best things about me... although I acknowledge that my haste to get things done-and-dusted has also seen me miss some beautiful moments, and opportunities for learning. But I digress.

Looking back over twelve months of journeying with this powerful word, I saw how many gifts it had given me. It also seriously kicked my butt: in ultimately useful but sometimes terrifying ways.

I realised that I was glad to leave worthy behind with 2011, and move on to brighter things. But I also had to acknowledge that worthy will always be a part of me.

The final prompt was: "As I say goodbye to my word [for 2011], I want to remember..."

This is what I wrote:

* that I worked so hard this year and took it all very much to heart.
* that I did it for me but also so I could be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend.
* that there were so many gifts but it was extremely confronting at times.
* that I did my best!
* that I was more afraid than I needed to be, and that fills me with compassion for my self.
* that I will often me lonely but I am never alone (and both are OK).
* that this was some of the most important work I'll ever do.
* that not everyone gets it (or gets me), and that's OK, that's their business.
* that I can't fiight who I am and no longer want to.
* that I have so much to offer and so much to be grateful for.
* that I am a child of the universe.
* that I do not need anyone else's approval, permission or validation.
* that I will always be worthy... and it is now time to savour the results of my hard work...

It's not goodbye, worthy. Merely au revoir.

And thank you.

Worthiness Wednesday #40 Dig a little deeper

2012-01-04T20:00:00.002+11:00

As I mentioned yesterday, one of the things I wanted to share in this space was my experience of Christmas in 2011.

Perhaps I shouldn't have been surprised. December had been a busy month. November had been a busy month, for goodness sake. We had our day-to-day routine of life and work and creative play, and we had various doctors and specialist appointments; a vaccination; numerous social obligations; my day job to apply for; three-year-old kindergarten arrangements to confirm; birthdays to be celebrated; two fences to be replaced; a neighbour's ego to be assuaged; a garden to be landscaped; a dear departed friend to be honoured; a novel to be finished; theatre to be attended; friends to be supported; haircuts to be had.

(I am sure this is not an unusual story for the latter part of the year, and wish to honour every woman who bore a schedule even more demanding, of which I know many.)

I also want to add that most of this was undertaken with the assistance of antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, and pharmaceuticals to keep with asthma and hayfever at bay.

There was also #reverb, but that's something for another post.

Then there was Christmas. And I have to say that I was really looking forward to it this time around. A big part of this was the fact that my little 'un was really excited about it all, being of the age where she had more of an understanding of what was going to happen (i.e. she was looking forward to receiving presents, but also all the family celebrations that would go with them!).

I hired an ethically sound Christmas tree and decorated it with handmade owls ordered via Etsy, listening to Sufjan Stevens' Christmas albums (and emailed friends joking that it would be a Stuff White People Like Christmas). I bought and wrapped presents, wrote and posted Christmas cards, crafted Christmas decorations with my little 'un, took her to see the Christmas windows in the city.

I didn't think my expectations regarding the day itself were wildly out of proportion.

We were hosting my in-laws for lunch. Each person brought a dish, my husband was all set to cook the turkey, I had the vegetarian meals in hand, and the Kris Kringle presents were purchased. Then we were set to go to my sister's house in the afternoon, where my parents were joining her for lunch (though unfortunately, a certain little person's meltdown and a crazy hail storm put paid to those plans).

I knew that I wouldn't be spending quality time with my family on Christmas day. I knew that the time spend with my parents (on Boxing Day) would be almost exclusively focussed on my little 'un. I knew that my husband wouldn't be giving me a Christmas present, as he left it to 22 December and they item he was looking for had sold out. Then, on the same day, he got hit by a car crossing the road at a pedestrian crossing (he was in the right and, thankfully, he was OK) and wasn't quite himself for a week or so. This also meant that I was designated driver throughout the festive season, which included a 100km round trip to collect the turkey that was in his office fridge (that he wasn't able to bring home after he was hit by the car).

But for some reason -- after my little 'un opened her presents and spent a good hour or so sailing delightedly up and down on the hallway on her new scooter -- I spent most of Christmas morning crying in the shower. Then struggling to get out of bed for the next few days.

To be honest, the only reason there wasn't a Worthiness Wednesday post last week was because I had trouble surfacing and completely lost track of the days. Twenty four hours passed before I realised that a Wednesday had been and gone.

I know I can rationalise the way I felt using all the things I have written about above. But I know that there's more to it than that. And it's so deeply embedded -- it's something so close and ingrained -- that I can't really see it.

As much as I know it's going to be painful, I will start the process on unravelling it when I see my therapist on Friday. The sadness, the confusion, the pain: they all felt extremely familiar. I suspect they're related to my deep aversion to strong feelings, especially anger and disappointment (even when they are warranted and even when I don't need to act upon them). I wonder too if they are related to the panic that sets in when I start to feel extremely lonely.

If I'm going to make any significant progress, I know I really need to feel these things afresh. I know I'll need to sit with them if I am going to learn anything about my self. I know I will eventually transcend these things, and that they will one day stop holding me back, but until then it is not going to be pretty.

It's going to be a lonely process and I'd love to know there are other kindred spirits out there, summoning the courage to dig a little deeper. Although it mightn't be the sweetest place -- at least initially -- I offer you my hand as we step into the murky place that we might otherwise ignore/justify/explain away and switch on that searing flashlight.

This week, I invite you to dig that bit deeper, so that a beautiful clean light can tough the most tender part of your soul.

Because you are worthy of self-knowledge and you deserve freedom from self-imposed darkness.

Slow steps through the overwhelm

2012-01-03T20:16:00.000+11:00

Happy new year my friends! And thank you to everyone who followed along the #reverb11 journey with me. I was truly blessed to have your support and comments and thoughts.

And now, finally and all of a sudden, it's 2012.

Ad does anyone else feel like, suddenly, it's all happening?

As I sat watching my little 'un splashing in the bath this evening, I also watched myself travel through various states of panic... then I realised: I'm actually in no different a place than I was yesterday.

Nothing has changed.

All my projects-in-progress are still there, they've been waiting a while and they'll wait a while longer. (And thank goodness, because what would be more strange than an empty desk?)

For the first time in a while, I am feeling physically well. And not so sad.

Other than a few tasks awaiting me when I return to my day job on Friday, a couple of artsy e-courses coming up, a number of domestic tasks and a list of little errands I'm trying not to forget... there's nothing really pressing. Nothing major that I have to do. Nothing that would cause the world to end if I didn't do.

But somehow, this external reality does not match my harried interior landscape.

This feeling of overwhelm, it makes me curious.

There's so much I want to write about here. About the experience of hosting #reverb, the highs, the doubts, the questions. About Christmas being a bit of a bust. About my word for 2012 and how I am already wrestling with it. About some of the incredible things my little 'un has said and done recently, and how breathtaking the sunflowers in "her" little garden at my parents' place were today. About recent realisations with respect to food, eating and body image. About the seriously fantastic goals that some of my pals are kicking right now and the myriad of feelings that raises in me. About the aerogramme with the words "Open December 2011" that sat on my altar all last year and that I have just opened.

Deep breath.

There's time. There's time.

#reverb11 Day 31 (we made it! YAY!)

2011-12-31T06:00:00.000+11:00

What word will you choose to guide you through 2012? What do you hope it will bring into your life?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

That one little word

2011-12-30T13:57:00.000+11:00

Crawling to the finish line
I have run out of words

Everything I want to say about
worthy
I have said

for now

#reverb11 Day 30 (almost there!)

2011-12-30T06:00:00.000+11:00

What word did you select to be your travelling companion in 2011? What gifts did this word bring?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Daunted and haunted

2011-12-29T13:52:00.000+11:00

Asking for help
daunted me
Loneliness
haunted me

I'm working on it
and have made a little progress

a little

#reverb11 Day 29

2011-12-29T06:00:00.000+11:00

Think of three things that daunted you in 2011: how are you going to work towards overcoming them in 2012?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

The carving of time

2011-12-28T19:42:00.000+11:00

I could get up earlier
I could go to sleep later
I could spend a lot less time reading other people's blogs

Then again

I could spend a lot more time doing housework or cooking
I could plan my educational and creative activities with/for my little 'un
I could prioritise exercise

I think next year will look a lot like this one:

just me
doing my best
doing it badly
doing it sometimes
but doing it anyway

#reverb11 Day 28

2011-12-28T06:00:00.000+11:00

How do you intend to carve out more time for the things that are the most important to you in 2012?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Goodbye, you three

2011-12-27T15:23:00.000+11:00

As I release the last of the year that was 2011, I also cast these three stories into the wind:

1) Someone else's opinion is always more important than my own instinct or desire.

2) By eating when I am hungry I am bad, greedy, disobedient, fat, unloveable.

3) Saying what is deepest in my heart would hurt, upset or anger someone, and that would be the worst thing in the world.

Goodbye, my friends. We travelled closely and I know you only wanted to protect me. There seemed to be so many things to be afraid of.

So thank you.

But I am beginning to see that I really don't need you any more.

Go. Don't look back.

I don't need permission.

I don't need controlling.

I don't need protecting.

I am OK.

Go.

#reverb11 Day 27

2011-12-27T06:00:00.000+11:00

Name three excuses -- stories you tell yourself that are holding you back -- that you are going to let go of in 2012.

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Thank you, Vali

2011-12-26T15:05:00.000+11:00

This woman
took me out of myself
and showed me other worlds
were not only possible
but violently
vital

Thank you, Vali

#reverb11 Day 26

2011-12-26T06:00:00.000+11:00

Who inspired you in 2011?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Given and received

2011-12-25T14:52:00.000+11:00

The greatest gift
I gave and received
was all bound up in that
one little word:
worthy

#reverb11 Day 25 (and Merry Christmas!)

2011-12-25T06:00:00.000+11:00

What's the greatest gift you received in 2011?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Nourishment

2011-12-24T14:49:00.000+11:00

I walked to loosen my body
I walked to clear my mind
I walked to nourish my soul

I didn't walk enough

#reverb11 Day 24

2011-12-24T06:00:00.000+11:00

How did you nourish your beautiful body in 2011?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

The colour purple

2011-12-23T14:44:00.000+11:00

It was purple that
warmed my insides, lit my creative spark,
connected me by the crown
to every woman who ever wondered
where she truly belonged.

It was purple that
truly represented on the outside
how I felt on the inside:
like a bruise;
tender, raw, healing.

#reverb11 Day 23

2011-12-23T06:00:00.000+11:00

What was colour best represents the year you had in 2011... and why?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Dreaming

2011-12-22T15:30:00.000+11:00

Each step brought me closer
to being able to say:
I am a writer, I am an artist.

With thanks to Joe for the seriously delicious surprise that arrived in yesterday's mail!!

#reverb11 Day 22

2011-12-22T06:00:00.000+11:00

What items did you tick off your dream list in 2011? What other, unexpected, dreams came to fruition?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Worthiness Wednesday #39 Seeing our stories

2011-12-21T18:00:00.000+11:00

I have been thinking about stories and telling stories, particularly the ones we tell others and the ones we tell ourselves.

I came across this:

"What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life?" asked the poet Muriel Rukeyser, then answered her own question. "The world would split open." I would go further. I think the world would split open if any individual, male or female, white or black, young or old, told the truth to themselves and those around them. We are all packed tight as atoms -- the fallout would be vast.

Louise Doughty

A Novel in a Year

And then Hope's words (for her guest #reverb11 prompt) came tumbling into my in-box.

And I found myself stopping and noticing.

All the stories I had been telling myself about, for example, this blog.

Stories, for example, like:

My stuff's too morbid for widespread appeal. The things I make aren't pretty enough. The best blogs are written by gals who are skinny enough to wear vintage. I'm too much of a luddite to do snazzy things with a website. Some of the stuff I write is bordering on pop-psychology and I am so not qualified to write stuff like that. It would be dangerous for anyone to take anything I wrote seriously, like, without professional advice. I should be writing more political, educational, literary stuff. My haiku isn't even proper haiku. It would be the end of the world if certain people in my "real life" read it.

But I also a noticed another story.

The story about the gal who rushes home every Wednesday morning. The gal who doesn't stop to chat with the other gals who drop off their littlies at Creative Play (even through they are seriously lovely). The gal who can't wait to drop everything and just write. The gal who feels more than a little proud for having a weekly writing Deadline with a capital D (even though it's one she set herself). The gal who has faith that it will lead her to something (even though this something is completely unknown at this point and even though it might not actually lead anywhere in particular and that's OK too). The gal who knows that she is writing her best stuff, regardless of how good it may seem by other people's standards. The gal who treasures every quality comment she receives and is blessed to have connected with true kindred spirits through her writing. The gal who loves having a weekly writing prompt that hones her vision throughout the week for examples of how she is interacting with her companion word, worthy. The gal who knows that by carving out this time, she is honouring her creative passions... and her own worthiness. The gal who keeps going, regardless of whether heaps of other people "get it" or not.

This is the story I want to tell you, because it is the story that is being told every week. I just sometimes get so overwhelmed by other stuff (particularly other people's stuff) that I don't allow myself to see it.

This week, I invite you to take a quiet moment out of the festive season mayhem and gently honour the stories you have been telling yourself. Could it be that buried under there, you have been telling the world a different story just by showing up? Could it be that your most beautiful story, and the one that is closest to your truth, has always been there... buried under stuff?

You are deserve to see your most authentic story, just as people who love you and get you see it. You are worthy of your beautiful truth.

Cultivating freedom

2011-12-21T16:30:00.000+11:00

I am going to eat
mindfully
every four hours

(i.e. when I'm hungry)

Freedom
from how things
"should be"

#reverb11 Day 21

2011-12-21T06:00:00.000+11:00

What's the most important habit you intend to cultivate in 2012?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

#reverb11 Day 20: Guest post from Hope Wallace Karney

2011-12-20T06:00:00.000+11:00

What was your favourite story from 2011?

What story, big or small, did you find yourself telling over and over again, that thinking of it still brings emotion to you (i.e. mirth, sadness, joy, anxiety). What does this story mean to you? What does it mean to the people around you?

Story is such an important aspect of our lives, and sometimes the smaller stories get over shadowed by the bigger ones (or even just by everyday life), so really think about the story you choose to write about, how it made you feel, even if it is not the story that takes center stage of your past year.

Today's prompt and image come courtesy of Hope Wallace Karney, a talented mixed media artist, sister #reverb11 host, successful creative entrepreneur, another Handmade Writer alumna, and daily inspiration! Hope is also a generous soul, a fearless creator and a secret writer, and I look forward to seeing more of her marvellous stories as the new year unfolds. Thank you, Hope!

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Tidings of comfort and joy

2011-12-19T16:30:00.000+11:00

I don’t know how I managed
to forget
how awesome and kind and gorgeous
my sister is

or just how much
she gets me

#reverb11 Day 19

2011-12-19T06:00:00.000+11:00

What were the unexpected sources of joy and comfort in 2011?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Girl, fractured

2011-12-18T15:30:00.000+11:00

At the movies, on my own,
A moment of seeing myself
Fractured

#reverb 11 Day 18

2011-12-18T06:00:00.000+11:00

Please post your favourite picture of yourself from 2011, self-portrait or otherwise!

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Hope

2011-12-17T16:00:00.000+11:00

Moments of
connection courage unbridled creativity:
a spacious sort of hope

#reverb11 Day 17

2011-12-17T06:00:00.000+11:00

What gave you the greatest cause for hope in 2011?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Lost and found

2011-12-16T16:00:00.000+11:00

A moment of clarity
and the relentless drive to work on my self
was lost

This was where
I found
my self

#reverb11 Day 16

2011-12-16T06:00:00.000+11:00

What was lost in 2011? What do you intend to find in 2012?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

The moment I would bottle

2011-12-15T15:49:00.000+11:00

Pause for weary feet
bearings got, snack received
tiny moment illuminated by the Pantheon

#reveb11 Day 15: Guest post from Phil @ Skinny Latte

2011-12-15T06:00:00.000+11:00

What moment of 2011 do you wish you could bottle, to relive again and again? What moment made you feel the most alive? How did that moment change you?

Today's #reverb11 prompt and image come courtesy of the Phil aka Skinny Latte Strikes Back. Phil is an Aussie gal in living with the love of her life in London, an award-winning blogger, a fabulous writer who is in the throes of editing her first novel, a fellow Shanghai dumpling fiend, and a marathon running champion! Thanks Phil!

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Worthiness Wednesday #38 Give yourself a break

2011-12-14T18:00:00.000+11:00

If you are anything like me today you are: weary; wondering how you will finish your Christmas shopping when your credit card is already maxed out; premenstrual; overwhelmed by the thought of wrapping presents; clawing your way back from a chest infection and two rounds of antibiotics; secretly proud for having managed to write and send Christmas cards this year; grateful you caught the niggly inflamed disc in your lower back early with anti-inflammatories, even though you hate taking the wretched things; secretly checking your mailbox twice a day to see if you've received any Christmas cards; feeling seriously fat in your fat pants; defeated by the crazy weather; a little ashamed of how short-tempered you've been with your little person during this last week but resigned to forgiving yourself because you've been feeling so rotten; less interested in showering than usual; pining for your antibiotics to finish so you can drink some festive champagne or cider; wondering how everyone else manages to look and make so pretty; wishing that everyone else in the house would be as keen to listen to Sufjan Stevens' Christmas albums as you are.

If you're anything like me, you're also probably loving all the opportunities for reflection that come with this time of year, and hold great hope for what the new year will bring. You might be looking forward to the festive season and a bit of quiet family time, and anticipating the joy on your loved ones' faces when they receive the gorgeous gifts you've so carefully chosen. You may also feel a delicious surge of energy to finish things projects that have been stagnating for the past few months, and start the new year afresh. You could also feel motivated to seek out special opportunities for the new year in the form of e-courses, collaborative projects, refreshed approaches to your favourite creative endeavours. You might also be wary of setting goals, making resolutions, committing to certain "healthy living strategies" or opting in to any sort of scheme that's going to make your new year feel hemmed in, or set up to fail.

And if any of this resonates with you, you might just have come full circle and find yourself feeling just like me: weary.

I don't really have much by way of meaningful words or experience to offer today. I've been thinking a lot and working quite hard and dreaming a lot and feeling quite hopeful and trying to rest and, above all, doing as good a job as I can of staying present.

So, today, all I really want to do is take a break. Go for a gentle walk. Make a toasted sandwich and salad for lunch, and eat it like a picnic in front of A Cat in Paris with my little 'un. I might also make a pot of tea and crochet a little, or recline extravagantly with the most recent edition of Frankie. A bath would be nice, but at this point seems like a little too much effort. That said, I wouldn't be surprised if I find myself wrapping Christmas presents a little later on while my little 'un naps, sipping hot chocolate and listening to Sufjan Stevens.

Will you join me today, in giving yourself a break? Will you log off, take a deep breath, go for a walk? Will you put down the To Do and To Buy and To Be list? Will you sit down and put your feet up? Will you read something fun and pretty? Will you listen to something soothing, something that makes you happy?

Seems to me that this might be a good investment of your time and energy today. There's a lot going on. And you deserve to step out of it, and recharge your batteries. You are worthy of rest.

Music to my ears

2011-12-14T14:46:00.000+11:00

Your daughter
isso happy and secure in herself.
Music to my ears.

(And more recently: SARK's TEDx talk, featured above, and Daniella La Porte's wise words!)

#reverb11 Day 14

2011-12-14T06:00:00.000+11:00

What was music to your ears in 2011, literally or metaphorically?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

A life creative

2011-12-13T15:41:00.000+11:00

As cliché as it sounds:
my greatest creative challenge
-- and fulfilment -- came
as a wife, a mother, a daughter,
a woman.

#reverb11 Day 13 Guest post from TinnieGirl

2011-12-13T06:00:00.000+11:00

What was your greatest creative accomplishment in 2011?

It might be an actual thing that you have created, or perhaps a different way or looking at something, or maybe just a clever way of managing a situation. Creativity exists in everything we do. We are inherently creative beings and we are constantly creating.

Today's prompt and image (and beautiful artwork) come courtesy of my friend Cathy, aka {TinnieGirl}. Cathy is a Melbourne-based artist and writer who, among other things, has her own fabulous jewellery line and hosts the fantastic festival that is Blogtoberfest each year. I always appreciate Cathy's insights on the creative life, both on her blog and in person. Thank you Cathy!

PS If you live in Melbourne and you're free tomorrow night, you should totally go to Cathy's Open Studio for a glass of bubbly and an excellent opportunity to stock up on gifts for the special people in your life.

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

(un)surprisingly

2011-12-12T14:44:00.000+11:00

The things that probably
shouldn't have surprised me
really did.

The things that didn't
really surprise me
probably should have.

I suspect this is
unsurprising
and incredibly human.

#reverb11 Day 12

2011-12-12T06:00:00.000+11:00

What surprised you most in 2011?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

My greatest risk

2011-12-11T14:49:00.000+11:00

Being seen
in all my flawed glory
as someone who does things that sometimes fail

These were
the greatest risks
with the greatest rewards

#reverb11 Day 11

2011-12-11T06:00:00.000+11:00

What was the greatest risk you took in 2011?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

The taste of accomplishment

2011-12-10T14:11:00.001+11:00

It was a singular accomplishment
to learn to bake lasagne
without swearing.

#reverb11 Day 10

2011-12-10T06:00:00.000+11:00

What was the most extraordinary dish you sampled in 2011? What made it so magical? (It needn't be the most extravagant dish, just the one that knocked your socks off with its flavour, texture, aroma, freshness, colour, significance… whatever.)

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

My favourite book(s) in 2011

2011-12-09T11:30:00.000+11:00

Betty Smith A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
Sue Monk Kidd and Ann Kidd Taylor Travelling with Pomegranates
Elisabeth Tova Bailey The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating
Edmund de Wall The Hare with the Amber Eyes
Jay Griffiths Love Letter from a Stray Moon
Leslie Cannold The Book of Rachael
Fiona McGregor Indelible Ink
Anna Funder All That I Am
Jonathan Franzen Freedom
Haruki Murakami Norwegian Wood

My top ten
of the 45 (and counting)
books I read this year.

I don't think I recorded
the non-fiction -- particularly "self help" --
fiction remains my first love.

Through these books
I grew, I knew, I saw,
I loved.

#reverb11 Day 9

2011-12-09T06:00:00.000+11:00

What was the best book you read in 2011?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Change

2011-12-08T15:30:00.000+11:00

I wanted to embody
the change I hoped to see in the world:
curiosity and compassion.

#reverb11 Day 8: Guest post from Gill Stannard

2011-12-08T06:00:00.000+11:00

What positive change have you made this year:

* in your health
* in how you relate to your body
* in your self talk
* in how you relate to the world

Today's #reverb11 post and image are courtesy of naturopath extraordinaire Gill Stannard, who also happens to be a fellow Melbourne-based Mondo Beyondo alumna and a wonderful friend. ( I have lost count of the number of many times have I posted a fabulous quote, image, video or blog link here thanks to Gill's eagle eye and generous soul.) Thank you, once again, Gill!

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Worthiness Wednesday #37 The gifts of believing

2011-12-07T10:30:00.000+11:00

This little vignette has been marinating at the back of my mind for a long time. Today's #reverb11 post coaxed it out to play. I am a little self-conscious in sharing it. It feels really close and private, and a little esoteric. I am not sure how useful I could make it for others... but...

Deep breath. Dive in.

The day we brought our newborn little 'un home from the hospital, we noticed a rapid wild flurry in the back garden. I was sitting on the couch in the living room, holding my sleeping babe, staring out the window, still in a daze from the enormity of what had just happened and the dawning of what was to come.

Had I blinked, I would have missed it: a baby eagle speared a magpie in our back garden.

The wily predator must have been circling close by, then chose his moment with stealth and precision. There was the tiniest of struggles, and then both birds were gone, leaving a scattering of black and white feathers in their wake.

At the time, I was amazed by the power and majesty of the tiny creature outside... and secretly wondered if it was an omen for the tiny creature in my arms. After all, it was said that crows came to nest outside the house where a certain Tibetan boy, the one who became the 14th Dalai Lama, was born.

From then on, wherever I walked, I would see magpie feathers on the ground. I wondered if they were a reminder to me that I was the mother of an incredible human being, who would go on to great things. I also wondered if they were a little sign to me, the universe reminding me that I was not forgotten. Another inner voice speculated that perhaps I lived in an area where lots of magpies chose to nest, and that perhaps it was nesting season.

Just over two years later, on my birthday, something else occurred to me:

What if that omen was not meant for my daughter? What if it was meant for me?

I discussed this with my therapist. I knew she would not ridicule me for my superstition, and I also knew that she would not be skeptical about what I saw. I also hoped that as a committed and practicing Buddhist (who even has her own Tibetan Lama), she might know something about the significance of the omen in other cultural traditions.

We pondered the significance of the timing, and its relevance to the work we were doing together. We also considered what each type of bird represented: the eagle as solitary, skilled, majestic, predatory for its basic needs; the magpie as a collector, a proud nester, vocal, protective of its young but often ineffectively (e.g. swooping at cyclists, who actually bear no threat).

I came away completely comfortable with the omen and its meaning but perhaps more importantly: my capacity to receive it.

I sometimes see myself doubt my instincts. I also witness the way I compare myself unfavourably with other people's spiritual journeys and out-of-the-ordinary experiences. Perhaps this is partly envy for their mystical writing styles, but partly also the sense of openness and child-like wonder that seems to pervade their daily lives.

Sometimes I feel superficial, unimaginative, buried in the daily grind. Sometimes it feels like "every body else" is freer, more artistic, more spiritually aware.

I want to share my omen and my experience with it today, because I suspect we all have secret stories like this that we keep intensely private. Perhaps we are afraid of ridicule. But perhaps we doubt that they are valid, that they mean anything significant, that we are significant.

Today, I would like to invite you to take a moment and think about a special, very private story that is yours and yours alone. It doesn't have to be spiritual, esoteric or out-of-the-ordinary: it just needs to be special to you. How could you honour this story today?

Since my birthday, I have not seen any magpie feathers on the ground. Maybe nesting season is over. Or maybe the universe has finally caught my attention. I might not be tuned in to my superpowers all the time, but when I need to, I can listen. I can hear the stories that are only mine to tell. And I can choose to share them too.

We all have our own story to tell, and it seems to me that in times of uncertainty, fear or overwhelm, the most powerful thing we can do is to tell it to ourselves... allow ourselves to really hear it.

We are all children of the universe, and we are worthy of signs that we matter.

#reverb11 Day 7

2011-12-07T06:00:00.000+11:00

What guidance did you receive from your higher self in 2011?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

The most delightful thing I witnessed

2011-12-06T18:30:00.000+11:00

A little girl gaining her stride
Women blossoming into themselves
A hopeful, open heart

#reverb11 Day 6

2011-12-06T06:00:00.000+11:00

What was the most delightful thing you witnessed in 2011?

Happy reverbing!

How I intend to celebrate my self this season

2011-12-05T18:00:00.000+11:00

Keeping my diary clear
Reflecting and dreaming
A glass of champagne (or two!)

#reverb11 Day 5

2011-12-05T06:00:00.000+11:00

How are you going to celebrate your self this festive season?

Happy reverbing!

What I am taking into the new year

2011-12-04T16:30:00.000+11:00

Knowing I have all I need
Committing to nourish my body and spirit
A sense of worthiness

#reverb11 Day 4

2011-12-04T06:00:00.000+11:00

What's the one thing you want to take with you into 2012?

Happy reverbing!

My dream destination

2011-12-03T10:21:00.000+11:00

One day I will soak in Japan
Until then I am consoled by
haiku, MT tape, okonomiyaki

#reverb11 Day 3

2011-12-03T06:00:00.000+11:00

What was your dream destination in 2011 and why? (It can be a town, city, country or region -- real or imaginary -- and doesn't matter if you actually got there or not!)

Happy reverbing!

My most significant expense

2011-12-02T21:30:00.000+11:00

Fifty dollars a week
She played and learned and made new friends
I got time to write

#reverb11 Day 2

2011-12-02T06:00:00.000+11:00

What was your most significant expenditure in 2011? (Not necessarily the biggest, but the one with the most impact.)

Happy reverbing!

How I am starting

2011-12-01T21:24:00.000+11:00

Christmas tree arrives
Looks not unlike me: tired
but determined to be festive

#reverb11 Day 1

2011-12-01T06:00:00.000+11:00

How are you starting this last month of 2011?

#reverb11 is a daily reflective prompt that runs every day through the month of December. It is an opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and manifest what the new year may hold. It was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 and has been passed on to individuals to host in 2011.

All you need to do to participate in the #reverb11 experience hosted by Kat @ I Saw You Dancing is think about the question posted each day. You are warmly invited to post a comment and link to your own blog or website. Please also help yourself to a #reverb blog button and help spread the word!

Happy reverbing!

Worthiness Wednesday #36 Dive in

2011-11-30T14:44:00.001+11:00

I had been working on an entirely different Worthiness Wednesday post this morning while my little 'un was at her creative play session. It was quite a long and esoteric one, and it didn't seem to be coming together, so I saved it and got up to take a break and stretch my legs.

When I got back to my computer, there was an email from Gwen Bell, sent to all participants of #reverb10, announcing that she would no longer be hosting reverb. She suggested that folks host their own in 2o11 and provided a couple of tips and pointers to get started.

As I collected my little 'un, organised lunch, prompted her to finish her veggies, read her stories and tucked her in, I couldn't help but think: could I do it?

Of course, the No, You Couldn't Possibly! gremlins were not too far away:

How are you going to come up with 31 posts? No-one is going to read them, let alone do them! The people you are thinking of asking to do guest prompts are too busy for your unimportant projects! People who host these things tend to read every participant's contibution every day, and you don't have time to do that! How are you going to get a blog button organised in a couple of days? Remember last time you put a McLinky tool up on your blog? Ha! Who the hell do you think you are?

Well, I've decided.

Screw it!

I'M IN.

As of tomorrow, you are warmly invited to check back in here to see what I have been able to conjure for something resembling #reverb11. Whatever form it takes, however it looks, you are most welcome to participate. If it looks in any way valuable or interesting -- with or without a blog button -- I'd be thrilled if you spread the word.

Sometimes, we just have to dive in, don't you think?

Is there anything that those No, You Couldn't Possibly! gremlins have been deterring you from this year? What would happen if you just ignored them and dove in?

If you're anything like me, diving in won't mean that those voices go away... a part of me will always be convinced that there is a reasonable chance I am going to fall flat on my face with this thing.

But is that the worse thing that could happen? I mean, I'm not aiming for fame and glory and a million blog readers here. I just loved being a part of #reverb10 and reckon it would be fun to keep it going in some form... and maybe, just maybe, I have something to offer.

And maybe, just maybe, the chance to flex my anti-gremlin muscle is a worthwhile exercise in itself.

So, will you dive in with me this week?

ARE YOU IN?

When in doubt

2011-11-28T21:09:00.001+11:00

* choose your talismans with love and instinct

* say YES! to sparkly eyeshadow

* dream in great swathes of colour about what the new year wild bring

* marvel at the power of pomegranates, peacock feathers, and the colour purple

* drink sleepy-time tea in the afternoon instead of coffee

* lunch at a Parisian café and make like you’re on a fabulous French holiday

* consult the oracle

* decide to love humidity

* show up

* keep chipping away at that chore

* decide that all you can really claim with certainty at this moment is your uncertainty

* sign up to learn to draw and remain resolutely undeterred at how complex and sophisticated it all seems on first glance

* get cheekily naked

* make lists of presents to buy other people, but maybe also include one or two for you

* steer clear of people who are likely to arrest you with their blathering on

* miss your little ‘un

* talk about that thing that really makes you squirm

* make plans to seek out a new lucky bamboo

* know that there will be adventures

Giving thanks for...

2011-11-25T22:30:00.000+11:00

1. Going to see Grey Gardens – The Musical starring Pamela Rabe on my own tonight and sticking to my plans to go straight from work rather than going home, despite not having the support or blessing of the designated babysitter.

2. A kick-ass email from my friend Yvette and her recommendation of an excellent book.

3. Finishing my manuscript and having faith that it is on its way to a publisher who is open to it, despite the ending needing a little more work.

4. Putting two social engagements that I wasn’t entirely looking forward to (though weren’t as draining as I’d been expecting) behind me this week.

5. Realising that our Christmas Tree will be delivered next week! Making plans to take my little ’un to see the Myer Christmas windows. Making lists and checking them more than twice.

6. Taking practical steps to ensure more appropriate spending levels from now on e.g. reducing my credit limit!

7. My little ‘un’s sweet patience in horrid peak hour traffic yesterday. Maybe playing calming “pyjama pop” helped, but she's also a very good natured lass.

8. All the complements my colleagues gave me on the colour combinations in my outfit: multi-coloured skirt, purple boots, burnt orange cardie, gorgeous necklace. A bit of colour sure helps the Friday blahs.

Magpie Girl is on a break this week for the Thanksgiving holiday, but I wanted to give eight pieces of thanks nonetheless.

Worthiness Wednesday #35 The gifts of shame

2011-11-23T10:03:00.001+11:00

I got an officious little email from PayPal this week, informing me that I was coming close to reaching a certain milsetone in expenditure. I haven't really wrapped my head around what this means, but I gather I may have to complete some kind of administrative procedure in order to be able to continue using PayPal to purchase things. No big deal, as far as I can see.

But the milestone, the amount I had spent, knocked the wind out of my sails.

I'm too ashamed to write it.

I'm afraid of being judged.

But let's just say that, if I spent $5 a day or $35 a week on stuff without fail for five years: that's the amount we're talking about. Factor in that the first two of those five years, I may have had a considerable mortgage that I was paying off on my own. Consider that one of those five years, I may have been on maternity leave, half of which was leave without pay. Know that the last two of those years, I may have been working two days a week and also trying to contribute a token amount to our mortgage and living costs.

Judging me yet? Let me add more fuel to the fire.

I joined PayPal five years ago, when I made my first purchase from Etsy. I discovered Etsy through one of my favourite bloggers, who had recently opened an online shop to sell her artwork. It quickly became (and remains) one of my favourite places to shop.

The main things I buy from Etsy vendors are jewellery, artwork, and accessories. I've also been known to by zines, books and art supplies. About one third of purchases are gifts for loved ones. I also use PayPal to pay for e-courses, tickets, charitable donations, subscriptions, clothes, DVDs and baby/toddler essentials.

Allow me to confess that I buy the majority of my books from a local independent bookshop or via Amazon, so this massive monetary milestone does not even include my addiction to books... or the clothes that I buy from local retailers.

Now, of course, many of the things I have bought can be rationalised in some way. Gifts: certainly. E-courses: I have gained so much from. Accessories: the way I play, the way I celebrate myself with colour and sparkle. Tickets: live music and theatre experiences that have enriched my soul. Artwork: livened my home and warmed my heart to be supporting people I admire.

But, really? What is all this about?

As I look over the list of purchases exported from PayPal, flashes of memory ripple across my body. Lack of fulfilment in a soulless grey cubicle. Fledgling steps towards artmaking. The hazy first months of my little 'un's arrival. Growing into my new life as a mother, blogger, writer, dreamer, artist. The journey through therapy.

I feel these shades of heat and colour and what I start to feel is compassion. For the girl who dreamt of something more for herself but wasn't sure she deserved it. For the girl who was lost and lonely and believed the voices that doubted the value of what she was doing. For the girl who saw what others were doing and imagined that it was so much easier for them and that it was her fault for finding it so hard. For the girl who wanted to keep pace with other people's strides, terrified of falling behind or missing out on something. For the girl who hoped that if she bought a bit of what they had, she could share in their happiness, their success.

Financially, it was irresponsible and unsustainable. Logically, it was pathetic and unrealistic. Emotionally, it was disappointing and unfulfilling.

This story is likely not unusual in modern consumer society.

So this week, I invite you to join me in suspending judgement. We all have things in our lives that we are not proud of. In many cases, judging ourselves can send us in a downward spiral that makes us more likely to revert to the very patterns we're judging.

It's a vicious circle.

But maybe it's time we stopped trying to break the circle. Maybe there is space for us to stand in its calm centre. Maybe in this eye-of-the-judgement-storm, we can see what our heart is really yearning for: courage, connection, beauty, fulfilment. Maybe this is the place where we will truly see that we have all we need. Maybe we can remember that we do have the resources to cultivate what we don't have, if that's what we really need to do.

But maybe we are enough, just as we are.

And although we are worthy of treats and pretty things, there are other more meaningful and sustainable and nourishing ways of making our souls sing.

And maybe this is where the real gifts are.

In reality

2011-11-21T12:33:00.001+11:00

* My bike remained in the shed * Too many heavy pieces of our old fence were leaning against the shed door * It poured rain and blew a gale on Saturday * I was secretly a little relieved * I knocked my pan out over the weekend * Hardly sat down * Mainly domestic tasks * I kept thinking towards That Moment When It Would All Be Finished * But I never allowed myself That Moment * My little un's eyes improved * I was so grateful for all the support and tips I received in this space * They sorta worked but were still pretty tricky due to the squirming and screaming and eye-rubbing * Then she got a cold and hideous cough * And kept us up most of the night with her coughing * I am pretty sure two of my colleagues, who each have three young boys, thought I was pathetic for having so much trouble with a couple of measly eye drops * That says more about them, surely * We went out for lunch with my in-Laws yesterday to celebrate my husband and his sister's birthday * This is an annual tradition at a very nice restaurant indeed * Every year, I get very nervous about going * Every year, it ends up being quite pleasant * This year, I ended up organising my husband's and his sister's presents to each other, unbeknownst to either of them * I feel so unmotivated, and a little overwhelmed, in my day job today * Even though I actually enjoy the project I am currently working on * I ate an entire 160g pack of m&m mix-ups before 10am * There are a lot of things that are pushing my shame buttons at the moment * Numbing out with chocolate is one of them * Which leads me to crave more chocolate * It'll be my first appointment with my psychologist tonight for two weeks * We took a break so she could sit some exams * It was nice to have a break * But I am looking forward to going back * I feel a bit anxious about it though * Just thinking about all the shaming things I want to talk about * And I can hardly afford the appointment * Impulse spending and financial mismanagement are also big shame triggers for me * I suspect they all lead to the same source * Sometimes I feel like a walking shame trigger * With a sort throat, a very heavy period and achy limbs * And a week-ful of social engagements I am not entirely looking forward to * I have blocked out next week in my calendar * I just want to sink back into my routine * Potter around and do not much with my little 'un * Dream about next year * Our garden is slowly coming together * It will be really nice when it's finished * I am reading The Artist's Way, finally * I am itching to start morning pages * Even did a detour to the supermarket first thing this morning * Bought a notebook, tampons, m&ms * All of life's essentials covered, ha * I also find myself thinking about detoxing * Perhaps a liver cleanse * This makes me slightly wary * Like it's, "Extreme or nothing" * Like it's, "Next month, I am going to do it all perfectly" * Like it's, "Next year, I will get up early and write morning pages and switch to soy and not eat crap and get more exercise" * Like it's, "Set up to fail" * Like, where I am right now is not good enough * Like I don't allow myself to see my own efforts * Like just because my best is higgeldy-piggeldy, doesn't mean it's not worth honouring * Like I am scared to stop and really look at what I have and be truly grateful and bravely realistic and more present * And perhaps I am using this as an excuse not to get up early, write morning pages, switch to soy, stop eating crap, start exercising * But really, I am starting to see that the hardest truths have been the best ones * And that there may be a way of savouring my life as it really is * The crappy bits * The gorgeous bits * The sacred bits * The angry itchy bits * The urges I am less proud of * The gifts of insight they give me * The precious moments of true friendship * The fierce and flawed love of family * The things that make me me * This crazy splendid journey * This sweet and nourishing connections * The joy in simple things * Yes * I am going to say yes* I am saying yes * I say yes* Yes*

More comfort

2011-11-20T08:30:00.000+11:00

But are there no limits to the value of connections? After all, you might ask, if we are born alone and must die alone, then what lasting fundamental value can connection have?

Whenever I consider that question, I recall a comment a dying woman made in a therapy group:

"It's a pitch black night. I'm alone in my boat floating in the harbour. I see the lights of many other boats. I know I can't reach them, can't join with them. But how comforting it is to see all those other lights bobbing in the harbour."

Irvin D. Yalom

Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Dread of Death

Yes!

2011-11-19T08:00:00.000+11:00

Thank you, Gill. I'm going to dig out my bike and dust it off this weekend, too! (Maybe I'll even ride it.)