What I really want to tell you.

I really want to tell you that I totally know how boring it is when someone opens a blog post by apologising how long it has been since they last published a blog post. But here I am, and I am going to apologise.

I really want to tell you, especially if you are a relative newcomer to my blog, that I usually blog a whole lot more often. I even have a couple of regular writing gigs e.g. my Worthiness Wednesday series as well as playing along with other wonderful weekly challenges.

I want to tell you that it's been a bit tricky, since #reverb12 ended. It's school holidays, so my littlie is home until kindergarten and other activities start up again. So my writing time is minimal and, usually, interrupted.

I want to tell you that that's actually OK with me; that I'm enjoying this precious time with my daughter and she seems to be enjoying having more time at home too. We're keeping it simple, hanging out, and doing the things we like to do.

I want to tell you that I have been "called" on the amount of time I spend on my computer, glued to my iPhone. And that kinda feels OK, like it's the beginning of a conversation rather than the end.

I want to tell you that I do want to spend less time fixated on things like Twitter, no doubt about it. But I am also opening up to a new possibility for this space... and I see that the time will come soon when I will need to talk about it, as it may require me to be more strategic with my time and energy.

I want to tell you that, right now, I am sitting in bed, typing this on my laptop. I am in considerable discomfort, despite being dosed up to the eyeballs on anti-inflammatories and painkillers and Ventolin (the anti-inflammatories having exacerbated my asthma). But that's an improvement on the considerable pain I was in earlier this afternoon.

I want to tell you that I am pretty sure I'll be right as rain by the end of the week.

I want to tell you that I am watching myself beat myself up for being weak/lazy/pathetic.

I want to tell you that I am craving chocolate so bad I would almost crawl on my hands and knees in my pyjamas to the nearest supermarket to get it.

I want to tell you that I see what this is all about and I know that none of it helps so I am mustering all my strength and compassion to go and boil the kettle and make a herbal tea and give myself permission to lie down for a while and watch beautiful videos on how to make art, just to distract my inner critic.

I want to tell you that watching these videos reminds me of a time when I started to take my artmaking to the next level, and how excited and energised and validated and fulfilled I felt. I realised, just now, how much I missed that feeling... and how I never want to be without it.

I want to tell you that I am reading Danielle LaPorte's The Desire Map and it is blowing a gale right through me and that exactly where I am is the eye of the storm.