Savouring the unsettling

Today I am practicing gratitude for all the things that are contributing to the unsettling feeling I can't seem to shake. I choose to see these as guideposts, little opportunities to get curious... and hopefully, challenge the hold they have over me.

It's not as easy as it sounds. But often, not as scary as I've assumed.

Anyway, here goes.

Today, I am grateful for the loss of my grandfather. For his mercifully quick decline. For the legacy he left by example: through his choice to sacrifice countless opportunities, and his refusal to dwell in regret. For the small number of lovely memories I'll always have. For the sharp reminder of what's really important.

Today, I am grateful for my sister and her huge heart. As I write, she is moments away from landing at Heathrow airport. When we heard that my grandfather was ailing, she made a snap decision to go over and see him. Sadly, she didn't make it in time, but she will be able to attend his funeral. She'll also be able to support my parents while they are there. No-one in my family knows she's coming. In a matter of hours, she'll be knocking at my auntie's door and astonishing all and sundry. I can only imagine how nervous she is feeling right now.

Today, I am also grateful for the strong feelings that arose when she called to tell me she was going to the UK. They were a deliciously terrifying mix of memories and longings, gratitude and shame. They reminded me of how complex families are, how some things change beyond recognition while other things never do, and how useless it is to want things to be anything other than what they are. They also showed me where I still have work to do, in terms of getting overwhelmed and blaming myself for certain things.

Today, I am grateful for my recent reality check and the realisation that it is time to grow up and get over myself. Until now, I've been soaking in the shame that I associate with being overweight and unfit. Until now, I've been waiting for the day when I'll magically have my shit sorted: you know, the bit where I go "I'm free of my burdens! And now I no longer need to use food for comfort!" as if the realisation alone will make 20 kilos magically drop off. Until now, I've been focusing on the emotional and psychological significance of food in my life. Until now, I would just about rather die than admit that my Mum is right and that I need to get practical about losing weight. Until now, I was sticking to the story that it would be an admission of defeat to try and do anything differently, because as we all know diets don't work and there's no use trying to deny myself anything.

Today, I am grateful that I can be a little more open and a little less judgemental (and a lot less defeatist) about the tried-and-tested tools out there to help me develop more mindful eating, shopping, cooking and snacking practices. Even though I was so distracted this morning I ended up signing up for the wrong program in error and will have to wait for Tuesday morning to have it all rectified (as Monday is a public holiday... and I'm not sure that the company will even agree to amend my purchase, seeing as it was my fault for not researching my options properly. Sigh.)

Today, I am grateful for the fact that my twitter account is still under suspension. I know that I have not transgressed any rules of conduct and am confident that it has happened it error. I am thankful for the opportunity to defend my own integrity, and to practice patience until sanity is restored. It is a lovely reminder of just how much I enjoy this social medium... but also a nice little break from what can sometimes become a crutch, something to default to when boredom beckons.

Today, I am grateful for boredom, as it signals to me that I have been trying to avoid thinking about things that make me squirm. Things like these. Things that are not so easy to share (and are probably not all that easy or interesting to read) but whose power are diminished in the retelling.

For more [decidedly unboring] gratitude practice, be sure to say hello to my lovely friend Maxabella today!